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For context weve been dating a year and a half. We are both switches and recently I brought up the fact that he rarely initiates sex or doms me unless I specifically request it in the moment. I explained to my bf it would turn me on if he initiated domming me or vanilla sex. He said that because I was sexually abused by two men I was involved with years ago, he feels uncomfortable initiating. I told him I understood and very much appreciate him being sensitive to my trauma-but that I have had enough therapy where I have no problem setting boundaries. I suggested that we can have a safe word. Anytime im a tiny bit uncomfortable during sex ex: he hits my cervix in a weird way that hurts, I will politely tell him immediately that I’m uncomfortable.
I got triggered once while having sex with him and told him that something he said reminded me of my abuser but that it wasn’t his fault. Ever since then he doesn’t even initiate vanilla sex claiming he never wants to upset me by accident again. When I got triggered I told him it wasn’t his fault and I took a shower alone. I cried silently and within an hour I was fine. It’s the only time it happened and before I was abused by previous partners I had this kink.
I feel undesired because he rarely initiates any type of sex, and keeps blaming my trauma. I dont know what to do or say to get him to understand it’s not his fault and that I want him to initiate. Even if I initiate there’s a small chance I could get triggered again, I don’t think it has anything to do with who initiates. And out of probably 100 times we’ve had sex this has only happened once. I’ve been triggered more during nonsexual moments and when I am I try to meditate or be alone.
Any advice would be appreciated.
TL;DR:
I was SA’d years ago and my bf won’t initiate sex because he’s afraid it will activate my trauma
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