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About a year ago, I (29F) started dating a friend of a friend (29M). Despite my age and how surprising it may seem, he was technically my “first”. I’d done things with other people, but never gone all the way. I ended up doing it with him pretty impulsively early in our dating days. I wasn’t upset about it, but it also wasn’t a planned out experience. I will admit that I was not in the best place mentally or emotionally at the time. This meant that after a few dates, he was in a position to see all the fresh self-harm I usually hid under clothing. In my attraction and excitement, I had completely forgotten about it until the clothes came off. He said it was ok and didn’t make a big deal of it. Aside from a few extra kisses, he *almost* ignored it. Fast-forward a few weeks and he snuggled me in bed and told me to never be afraid to tell him anything. It still seemed early for this kind of display of affection and care in our relationship, especially as we weren’t even talking every day. A few months later, despite my best efforts, he witnessed and held me through a PTSD flashback and was also the first person to recognize what it was and help me admit it to myself. Still, we weren’t talking anymore frequently than before and things otherwise hadn’t progressed. Then in the spring, he broke up with my, saying my mental health had become overwhelming. He cried, saying he had never set out looking for a serious relationship and couldn’t have one mainly for financial reasons. His tears while breaking up with me were surprising as he never seemed like the emotional type.
In the summer, we saw each other a few times in the context of our mutual friends after not even exchanging one text message since breaking up. The first time, he hugged and seemed to have a hard time letting go. I felt really shy, especially in front of all our friends and had a hard time talking. The next time we saw each other, it was like he never took his eyes off me even though we didn’t speak. We eventually ended up talking casually for a couple of hours on another occasion after I sent a text message in an attempt to break through the awkwardness.
Then, for about two months after that we didn’t talk. But (I know this isn’t the best behaviour on my part) I had him in bed with about two text messages. I assured him I wouldn’t develop feelings, and he asked to make sure I meant that and would be ok, and then we went for it. When I was about to leave the morning after, it was almost as if he didn’t want me to, and not just for sex. He wanted to talk and make sure I got enough sleep. That was over a month ago now and we haven’t talked since. We said we might hook up again in the future but that was it. Are there really no feelings here? I’m not upset, just really curious.
Tl;dr I dated a guy who made it seem super casual, but at the same time it seemed like more. What could be going on in terms of feelings?
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