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Me (22F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together for nearly 5 years.
When we first got together we were at it like rabbits, like most new couples. Things died down for me after the first year, but not him. He is hypersexual and ejaculates at least once a day (usually more). I told him that there was no way I could have sex every day and he took it well – he masturbates every morning (at least) and asks me to lick/grab his balls, moan and say dirty things instead of asking me for sex.
3 years ago I developed severe physical disabilities. I’m exhausted and in pain 24/7 and I have no sexual attraction to my boyfriend whatsoever. I started getting drunk to let my boyfriend use me, so he could sasiate his needs and I wouldn’t feel anything. Eventually he felt wrong about it and we stopped. I told him that if he wanted to satisfy himself with someone outside our relationship, I would be okay with it as long as he told me first so I knew. He was horrified and said he didn’t want anyone other than me.
At first I thought I was asexual, but no. I have fantasies and manage to get aroused a couple of times a week. None of the thoughts or fantasies involve my boyfriend, always movie or video game characters instead. I wait until he’s asleep or when he’s at work before I use a use a vibrator and always orgasm multiple times in less than 5 minutes.
I force myself to have sex with him about twice a month. It’s not bad and he does try his hardest to make me orgasm, but I haven’t had one from him in over a year at least. I really try to enjoy it, but I’d rather masturbate. We’ve tried all sorts, but music is the most affective at getting me in the mood. His self-esteem is quite fragile regarding his sexual performance and he says it would crush him if he wasn’t able to make me orgasm, so I feel bad and fake one or more each time. I know it’s wrong but I don’t have a solid reason for him as to why I can’t orgasm from him.
There are a few reasons, however, for why I’m not sexually attracted to him:
1. He isn’t very hygienic. Very often when he pulls it out, it smells absolutely horrific. Like rotten fish. I do my best not to gag in front of him and I try to be gentle about it. I ask that he clean himself with water and soap after he masturbates, but he usually can’t be asked. He has trouble remembering to brush his teeth too, which isn’t pleasant with wet kisses.
2. He is very overweight and not very fit. He’s very self-conscious about it, so I don’t mention it. I love how his big tummy makes him extra cuddly, like a teddy bear… but I’m very small in comparison, and it’s uncomfortable during sex. When he’s on top I can’t breathe and I have problems with my heart. It’s literally crushing. When I’m on top, I can’t sit on him comfortably at all. I have to kind of do the splits on him, but my joints dislocate easily so sometimes I have to hold them in place which is a bit awkward.
3. He’s a bottom. Whilst I’m a switch, I can do both – but I crave the kind of masculine dominance that my boyfriend is too shy for. You know, pushed up against a wall, hickies, teasing etc. He’s a little more vanilla than me and isn’t really into that. I’m usually the one that puts all the work into foreplay which is a bit of a turn off.
So… how do I tell him the truth in the most gentle way possible? Are there parts I just shouldn’t tell him because it won’t do any good?
Note: he strictly refuses couples therapy. I would never cheat.
Sorry for the length, but thank you for any advice.
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