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24F tldr: struggling with vaginismus with new extremely kind gentle boyfriend after horrible experience with previous relationship, anyone has any advice on how to make this better? I used to enjoy sex and it breaks my heart to be with someone as great both emotionally and sexual as this guy and not be able to enjoy it. trigger warning for mind non consensual experience.
the long version goes: I don’t have the biggest libido so I have only had a handful of partners. Everything went really well until after the pandemic, when I started dating this guy, who was extremely repressed sex wise. he wouldn’t let me suck him off, not even see his dick, wouldn’t even kiss with tongue, and every sexual encounter was just a rushed fingering and then off to penetration. He tried to eat me out a couple of times but this man couldn’t find his way around even with a map. I really liked the dude and I wasn’t about to force anyone out of their comfort zone with sex, especially since I really had only had three previous partners myself so I am in no way a sex goddess. 3 months into this I started dreading sex, clamping up and being in a lot of pain whenever he’d penetrate me, just wishing for it to end. I was mentally preparing myself for sex for days when I knew we’d have a date, and reached the very rational conclusion that ah, of course: I was asexual, that’s why my libido has always been low and why I don’t like having sex with my boyfriend who I really like (I am not asexual: I simply hated this experiences so much). I had a discussion with him about this and how I didn’t really want sex but then I got drunk and he took advantage of the situation, even though I had explicitly said I didn’t want to have sex for a while.
I finally broke it off with him after this and other instances of him not listening to me when discussing boundaries, and now, a year later, I’m dating a wonderful guy, super emotionally mature, very in tune with his emotions and with his body. he has asked me what I like in sex, and has told me what he likes. he has touched me and he’s very receptive to feedback and very good and what he does. but then we tried penetrative sex and like it did go in but I was in excruciating pain, just like I was with the ex boyfriend by the end of it. I’m super wet, super horny and really want it and yet my body is all clamped up and it BURNS. it fucking sucks that I now associate penetrative sex to this horrible experience because I know that this guy is not remotely similar to the other one and will make it a great experience but my body refuses to cooperate. has anyone been in a similar situation before? what can I do to make this better? I have looked into vaginismus and will get a gp appointment to see if they can send me to a pelvic floor therapist or something but I am very disheartened and would like to hear any advice or stories if you guys have any! thank you very much!!
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