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My husband (m34) and myself (32f) struggle severely with our self-esteems.
As of right now, we don’t have a sex life. Him and I both agree on that.
We’ve been together for 11 years. We still communicate with each other about this issue, but it usually ends in tears and us promising to try and better ourselves. So I feel like we have good communication, but it never sticks.
He’s an amazing communicator and can lead us through discussions about our nonexistent sex life. I on the other hand, get choked up and start crying 2 minutes in. I feel like a bad partner. I know he feels bad too.
Most of the time, I just don’t feel the urge to have sex with my husband.
I feel so awkward trying to initiate sex. I’ve never felt sexy growing up in high school and college. He says he’s never felt attractive either. So we’re both incredibly awkward. When he’s trying to initiate sex he tries to be goofy and it’s such a mood killer. I’m just not turned on by him doing helicopter dick in front of me, or making puny sex jokes.
On good days, he’ll give me compliments like “Your ass is amazing” and he’ll grab it. And all I can think of is “No it’s not. It’s too fat. I’m too fat. He deserves better” and it spirals from there. Vice versa, when I compliment him on his strong arms, handsome eyes, or sexy voice, he immediately says “Stop lying” or he’ll make a fat joke about himself or something negative like that. So I know he’s battling the same thoughts I am.
It didn’t use to be like this. During our first 2 years of dating we were really sexually active. I don’t know what happened to us.
Should we go sex therapy? Or regular therapy? I don’t think he’ll be very receptive to the suggestion of therapy. At least, not at first. I’m afraid it might cause him to spiral further. Any advice is appreciated. Except for “get a divorce”. We’re not at that point, we want to fix this.
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