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I (18 trans guy) recently tried having PIV sex with my now ex girlfriend (19 trans woman) for the first time, and I think my bits might not be made right. I have been taking testosterone for about eight months, but my problems started before that. Sorry in advance about any vagueness in my language, I feel uncomfortable about using certain words due to dysphoria around my anatomy.
I have never been able to insert a tampon or anything like that into the hole, sometimes I can get the top half of my index finger in if I relax hard enough. It’s painful no matter how much is put in.
The first time we tried to have sex, she couldn’t get her penis inside me at all. It hurts to even touch the outside of the hole, even when I am aroused.
We tried again a month or two later. I was aroused when we started and we tried lube. She did eventually manage to get it in about half way (we couldn’t go any further). It was horribly painful. It felt like someone had poured acid inside me and was trying to rip me open, then once it got deep enough (about 2.5 inches) a feeling like she was punching the inside of my stomach started. She couldn’t really thrust inside me because I was so tight and in so much pain. I spent most of the time feeling like I was going to throw up or start crying.
I really wanted it to work so I tried masturbating with it inside me, but it made no difference and she had to pull out.
The pain continued even after the sex ended and I had a constant aching and burning feeling for several days afterwards.
After the first time we tried, I called the doctor who said something about massaging it and to try lube, but it hurts to touch the outside around the hole that it isn’t possible.
I don’t really want to be penetrated in general, but I feel broken because I CAN’T do it. I’d honestly be happy with having the hole stiched up forever, I never interact with it and I really feel like I shouldn’t have that anatomy. I just wanted to make my ex happy, and now I feel like a freak.
I’ve tried sex where I’ve topped with a strap on and I liked that much better, but my ex wasn’t into to it. It also doesn’t give me much stimulation, so I can’t cum from it. I am into oral, as long as it doesn’t touch the area surrounding the hole and focuses only on the upper area / my dick, but I can’t cum reliably from that either. To me, it doesn’t feel like a shared act in the same way as other types of sex because my partner doesn’t get physical pleasure from giving it.
It’s also worth mentioning that I suspect there’s something generally wrong with that area, mine has never quite looked like any diagram I’ve seen (the hole is significantly smaller and some bits are in different places), but I’m not in the habit of looking due to dysphoria.
Is it possible my hole is too small or generally made wrong?
Is okay to not want PIV sex? Can I find a partner if I don’t want that? I’m not even sure I’m into getting fully undressed during sex due to my gender dysphoria. I don’t really like being touched down there at all outside of oral. If it’s a position where I can directly see my genitals, I’m not into it. If I want to cum during sex, I usually just masturbate while performing acts on my partner. I’m afraid I’m never going to find anyone because of this, or that I’ll have to be single and mostly celibate until I get bottom surgery (which at the minimum is the better part of a decade away).
How do I have sex in a way that satisfies both me and my future partner if I get no pleasure out of one of my major sex organs? How do I have sex at all?
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