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For context: I have been with my partner for over 7 years and he is the only sexual partner I’ve ever had. We had an ongoing issue where he wouldn’t want to have sex with me often throughout 2021 into 2022. While this issue has gotten better, it left me with lasting insecurities that have manifested in different ways. On average, we have sex once a week almost always on the same day during the weekend. Additionally, we do not live together.
I have noticed this problem of relying on sex for validation within our relationship become increasingly more evident within myself and I need this to change for my relationship to be healthy. When we spend time together, I no longer feel fulfilled unless we have sex at some point in the day. When we don’t have sex, I feel irrationally upset and my insecurities feel amplified. Even if he shows other forms of affection like cuddles, kisses, or expressing his love for me, I just don’t feel validated enough unless he has sex with me. This was never an issue before the aforementioned ongoing issue. If we lay in his bed and watch a movie, I find myself anticipating and thinking about if we will have sex for nearly the entirety of our time together. If we are occupied in a situation where sex isn’t plausible, I am constantly thinking about how/when I can create that opportunity. Additionally, as a result of the ongoing issue in the past, I am now too scared to make sexual advances and if we will have sex is entirely dependent on him.
I wouldn’t even consider myself an overly sexual person, but rather I think this is resulting from some sort of deep rooted issue that I can’t seem to pinpoint. I know he loves me and finds me attractive, but I can’t get rid of these obsessive and intrusive thoughts. While I can admit that I would be more satisfied with more frequent sex, it shouldn’t be so detrimental to my wellbeing if we don’t have sex that week. Does anyone have advice for what I could work on within myself to decrease these obsessive thoughts and better our relationship?
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