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I (26F) have never had an orgasm and I have been trying by myself and with various partners (x3, all M) for at least 10 years. I used to fake it but refuse to do that any more as I learned the hard way, I’ll never get what I need as they’ll think they’re already doing it.
I’ve posted similar to this before I think and I know there’s many similar posts but they’re usually people younger than me with advice to get toys / people who just can’t cum through penetration when I can literally not cum at all… I need some genuine advice please
My boyfriend (25M) tries really hard, he spends a lot on time on me and listens to everything I suggest or ask for (I do the same for him too). We have sex usually 1-2 times a week unless one of us sick/away/shark week.
I feel like there have been times with my boyfriend that I have been close (but I don’t actually know because I don’t know what I am close to). Once was when he went down on me, wasn’t anything particularly out of the ordinary, I must’ve just been really in the zone and he must’ve just been in exactly the right spot. And a couple times where I have been on top with a vibrator. We do this position almost every time because we have worked out it is what works best.
I feel like I have tried almost everything. Toys on my clit, toys inside, butt plugs, anal sex, loads of different positions, being the sub and being the dom. I have tried literally every genre of porn and there are some that I prefer but I often end up needing something a bit different every time. I have also tried not watching porn ‘to use my imagination’ but I really struggled with this.
When I was younger, sex wasn’t really spoken about at home and for a long time I didn’t understand “why anyone would want to be so physically close to another person that they would want to be inside them/have them inside me”. This kind of faded over time as I spoke about sex with friends and partners and obviously experimented with myself and others.
I am not good at asking for what I want as I get embarrassed but I have been a lot better at it with my current boyfriend. I trust him and I know he wants me to finish as much as I do.
I went to the doctors about it querying nerve damage (I am diabetic and have retinopathy which is damage to vessels and nerves in the eyes) and have been mandatory referred to the psychosexual clinic before they go any further. The wait for this takes me until the end of April though (I went initially in October). I think there may be some psychological issue, but I want to be referred back to the nerve clinic even if there is a psychological element – I will ask for this at the time.
I can sometimes get a bit numb down there, especially when I’m using the vibrator on my own. So what initially felt good just feels nothing / slight burning eventually. My boyfriend makes me feel good, I just don’t get the big finish I’m waiting for. I often describe it like steps; 1 theres the physical “yup thats the right spot”, 2 the more mental “connection”, 3 the build where my muscles tense, and 4 which I assume is ‘the big finish’ that I never reach.
Am I pinning too much on the big finish that it is making me mentally get in the way? There was one occasion I (think) I was close but the literal second I thought “omg this is it”, the sensation stopped and I was suddenly aware of the reality of a man with his head between my legs… I discussed this with my partner and he says he never thinks this way (as in omg this is it), but I pointed out that may be because he never really has any doubt of whether he will finish, just a case of when/how, and he agreed.
How do I stop mentally blocking myself, I feel comfortable around my partner, I just don’t know what I want/need to get the end goal and I don’t know how to stop myself from literally clocking what’s going on and essentially ruining my concentration.
My partner is very supportive but I don’t want to end up putting him off by how down I get about it all. We always talk after we have had sex and we discuss what we enjoyed / didn’t, what I thought got me closest, anything we want to do again or differently and I always tell him I enjoyed it (because I do, even if I don’t finish). I just know there have been times where I have unintentionally felt down if he’s had “a really intense” orgasm (which I am glad I can do for him and I always tell him this), but I feel like I’m missing out.
I don’t know if I am just over thinking, but I feel like I have pinned so much on reaching the end goal that it bums me out every time I don’t. I don’t want to keep telling my partner this as I know he is doing everything he can to help me and it isn’t his fault.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What can I do?
TL,DR; i have never had an orgasm, have tried many ways over past 10 years, what can i do before I put my parter off bc i get down that I can’t?
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