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i (f18) was giving him (m18) a blowjob. we were having a pregnancy scare then and previously i asked him to turn me down for any requests of penetrative sex for that time period. however in that moment i asked him to have sex and he said he really wanted to but he wanted to abide by my past request of not having sex. i kept asking and begging repeatedly after, saying to forget my request, trying to find his condoms. i was being pathetic. we didnt have sex but i ended up finishing giving the blowjob he consented to. afterwards he told me that asking repeatedly was wrong and i apologised but not in depth because we were already parting ways.
yesterday i told him i wanted to talk to him face to face, he got worried and asked me what it was about and to have the conversation over text immediately instead. i apologised profusely about what i did over text and he kept saying its okay and that hes fine, and that he doesnt have any negative emotions towards the situation in general, but that i was still at fault and i agreed
i realise that this is coercion. im a csa survivor i feel awful that i inflicted the same pain my abuser did on him and i cant imagine how he feels. ive been nauseous, awake multiple nights just thinking about it. i feel like a rapist. does anyone have anything i can do to move forward, and how can i properly make it up to him?
tl;dr i accidentally sexually coerced my boyfriend because i thought he was holding back for me, i need advice on how to move forward and make it up to him
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