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i’m turning 23 soon, and just recently got a new boyfriend (only had one other boyfriend back when i was 16, then was single up until now). i’m a virgin, he’s not. he knows all this about me, how i’m incredibly inexperienced. the other night, he asked if we could have sex, and i had to tell him that i’m not ready, and i’m not sure when i’ll be ready. and i’ve been thinking a lot since then.
there’s a few things. my mom has placed this very weird, creepy emphasis on the fact that i’m a virgin for a long time now. she brings it up way too often and it makes me so uncomfortable. she tells me ALL THE TIME that i should just wait until marriage, that i’ll be able to get with “better” (richer, more famous) men if i’m a virgin. which is even weirder considering the fact that she most certainly didn’t wait until marriage, she had sex with a ton of people throughout highschool and college. so, yeah, obviously she’s kind of impacted my feelings towards sex.
i guess also the longer i’ve waited, the more i’ve built it up in my mind. like, i know this is not necessarily realistic, but i wanted it to be with someone else who is also a virgin. i want to be so 100% sure when i have sex for the first time, and i don’t want to feel any regret or shame afterwards. i want to be in love with the person. etc.
when i was fooling around with my boyfriend that same night (pretty much just making out and groping) i just felt like, a lot of shame i guess? about my inexperience, but also about doing anything sexual at all. i want to be clear that he is so good about consent, and asks before he does anything, before he touches me anywhere, and he doesn’t pressure me into anything. but i was still feeling strange and anxious and dirty. like i couldn’t just let myself enjoy what was happening.
the experience made me seriously consider whether i might be asexual, but i really don’t think that’s it. i think i just have this weird idea about sex and first times and virginity that’s somehow built up in my mind over the years. i guess i kind of want to ask for some perspective? on any part of it. any thoughts or advice that anyone has that may be any kind of helpful.
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