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Hi. Sorry, this is really long and rambly, but I (F23) have excruciating amounts of anxiety surrounding my ability to please in bed – kind of.
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I’ve always enthusiastically taken an active part in sex. Pleasing my partner is one of the best and most fun parts of sex for me. I know every person has different preferences, so I’m always looking to find what this specific person enjoys – both through discussion and through exploration, and I’m always open to trying something new or doing something differently.
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While I know praise given during sex is not exactly a nuanced and unbiased review, I’ve never seemed to disappoint when it comes to oral or handjobs, and I’m fairly confident about “my skills” regarding that.
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My issue sounds awkward and embarrassing when I try to write it out, but I essentially think there is something “wrong” with my vagina that makes vaginal sex considerably less pleasurable for the people I’m with, and it’s gotten to the point where I will refuse to have vaginal sex in fear of disappointing my partner.
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No one has told me directly that they didn’t enjoy sex with me, but I’ve been told through a mutual friend that a man I slept with once had talked a lot about how bad it was. I’ve also noticed that if I have vaginal sex it takes much longer before my partner climaxes – both in comparison to if I do other things and in comparison to what my friends (and statistics) tell me about how long vaginal sex usually lasts. I’m talking a LOT longer. There have also been numerous occasions where my partner isn’t able to come from having vaginal sex, even with extensive foreplay – in comparison, I’ve never experienced that with oral or handjobs.
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I have never been in a real relationship before, but I’ve had a few FWBs and one night stands – without revealing the number, I’d say there have been way too many for all this to just be a coincidence.
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The only person I’ve had vaginal sex with more than twice was in all honesty not a person I should’ve been having sex with – we didn’t like each other as people (we quite literally never had a conversation other than “u up?” throughout our 1,5 year “relationship”) and I didn’t trust him enough to talk to him about the sex we were having other than to ask him if he wanted me to blow him or not, so I’ve never had anyone I could have a genuine and honest conversation about this with.
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I’ve considered asking someone to have sex with me “for science” in order to confirm if I’m actually bad in bed or not, but the thought of it getting confirmed makes me so anxious that I just can’t go through with it.
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I don’t really know what to do about this. I want to start dating seriously, and I’ve worked through the “are you ready for a relationship” worksheets so to speak, and this is the final hurdle for me.
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I really want to be able to have vaginal sex – both because I personally really enjoy it, and because I want the intimacy of it. But I’m terrified that even if I were to get a great boyfriend – even if I were to talk to him about this – he’d think he could be okay with it because of things like seeing me as a person and enjoying other aspects of our relationship, but it would just gradually build up to him resenting me for it.
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I know that vaginal sex is not the be-all and end-all of sex or love or anything, and I know it’s not inherently better than other forms of sex, but I’m so ashamed of this and it honestly feels like I’m failing as a sexual partner.
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Do you guys have any advice?
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