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I’m so upset. I’m sat here crying writing this. There have been problems in my sex life from about 6 months in with my husband and I.
At first he was exciting and the most compatible sexual partner I’d ever had. He would send dirty messages (I’d never had those before) the things he’d say would drive me crazy with desire. The sex was full of passion, it was naughty, it was amazing.
Within 6 months we’d gone from that to sex once a month where he would rarely come and he’d loose his erection.
Everything else in the relationship was pretty perfect so before we got married I said it needed to be sorted out.
The therapist said he had the Madonna-Whore complex. After finding out what it was and learning how to sexualise me his drive came back almost overnight and our sex life resumed.
We now have very regular sex once every 3-6 days. But I feel like a wanking aid for him not a sexual partner. I feel so ungrateful as the sex has got more frequent but there are other problems.
He dictates, when and how and I just have to go along with it. We never do the positions I like, he never gives me any foreplay or pleasure.
If I try and relax myself and pleasure myself first so I can enjoy it more he refuses to wait and he just starts having sex with me anyway. Always in a position I can’t continue to use it. He doesn’t care if I climax at all.
Normally (out of the bedroom) he’s so tactile and always kissing me, touching me, telling me he loves me. He’s so gentle, so kind, considerate, compassionate. A perfect husband and father.
But during sex I feel the opposite. He’s distant from me. He never kisses me, never hugs me, only told me he loved me once during sex it was so special to me it was so beautiful to hear I cried.
During sex his hands aren’t tender. He doesn’t touch me gently if he touches me at all. When he touches me I want to feel that he’s loving my body instead I feel like I’m an object to him. Something to be used.
He touches me to move me around. He doesn’t communicate with me, he doesn’t want me to participate, he doesn’t want me to speak, if I make any noise he tells me to shut up which really hurts my feelings and confuses me.
Sometimes he grabs me and digs his nails into me like he is going to rip a chunk out of me. I feel like he’s making hate to me not love to me. He’s hit me on the face, backside, breast. If he’s drunk sometimes it’s too much. He’s too heavy handed. But he doesn’t drink much anymore.
He likes to cover my eyes with blindfolds, tights etc and tie my hands then he gets more confident. I want to look him in the eyes when we make love as I find it passionate but he doesn’t want to see my eyes and it hurts me deeply.
The only time he tries to do foreplay (which is rare) on me is when he’s tied my hands. But I find it frightening as i’m too vulnerable and I can’t block what he’s doing so it doesn’t feel nice it hurts or is too intense and he finds it hilarious when I react badly to it.
If I’ve ever asked him to have sex (which is rare) he has always refused. 100% of the time.
I’ve had enough and I spoke to him about it several times but he hasn’t done anything about it. I’ve told him I feel disrespected and used.
So I wrote everything down in a letter so I didn’t forget because sometiems when were face to face I forget things. I left it for him this morning. Essentially saying to him what I’ve written here. His reply was not good.
He said:
“Seems to be every week something like you creating BIGGER issues then what things are generally and that doesn’t put me into a positive mind space infact it sets me back massively”
“The way you address these concerns to me is disrespectful”
I asked him if he wasn’t attracted to me. He replied:
“Attraction is not the issue at all”
I said I wasn’t going to have sex with him again until this was addressed as it’s hurtful and I feel used and that maybe we needed to separate for a while he said:
“ It’s hurtful every time you say those things, You don’t get the IMPACT it has”
“You won’t live without me, you seriously think you could manage to? Really?”
I have lots of trauma from childhood emotionally abusive parenting and very bad sexual assaults I experienced in secondary school.
Sometimes I struggle with anxiety and PTSD he thinks I’m incapable of doing things without him but I got through school and college and started my career with all this trauma on my own.
I said this to him and he replied:
“That’s true ok you don’t need me then and you don’t want to work on this marriage and the commitments made? Or you do but you just choosing to address them disrespectfully to me”
He’s so sensible and good with work but he’s just text me
“Im DONE with work right now…. Fuck that I’m Going to pub if one’s open, just like my dad I’ll drink my problems away today. It’s time for a massive blowout, I can’t control it ! The times come“
Then he said:
“If you can’t see what is wrong with the way you have addressed this to me that’s the problem in itself. You got me really fucked up right now, I don’t wanna talk to you at the moment. I need to cool down”
What does this mean?
Why does he like sex this way?
Why is he being like this?
Is this still part of the complex?
Am I in the wrong?
Please some advice I’m so confused and so exhausted by this.
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