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Due to illness making me nauseous and in pain almost every day, paired with muscular problems that caused impotence, I didn’t really have sex between the ages of 18-28. I did a few times and it almost always went badly or was over very quickly.
Now I’m in a slightly better state, the impotence is less present (maybe like 30-40% less) and I’m not in pain every single day.
However, I still feel incredibly inadequate in bed. Everywhere I turn, I hear people disparaging “vanilla” sex. I’ve only ever had vanilla sex and barely at that. I have never met a single person in my entire life who doesn’t describe it as boring or somehow not worth it. Even my fiancé, who I love with all my heart, and they do love me too, has often said that they feel bad about it but sex with me is vanilla and “ok”.
We are in a ENM relationship (I’m assuming my inadequacy in bed is the cause) but right now it’s feeling like my partner can go have sex with whoever they want to, meanwhile I struggle to find a single person on the planet who doesn’t lose all interest the second I say I’m disabled and have no strength.
It doesn’t help that I’m also quite gentle mentally and I can’t even be dominant in a verbal way, because I hate doing it. It makes me feel bad and it makes me the opposite of horny. Pain = pleasure is the most alien concept to me ever. I have never once felt pain and enjoyed it. I have never once inflicted pain and enjoyed it. I have never once bossed someone around in bed and enjoyed it. I have never been bosses around by someone in bed and enjoyed it.
Everyone seems to be either a sub or a Dom and I’m this weird third thing that seems to be incredibly rare, where you like…I dunno, equality or something? No one being dominant?
Either way, it just seems that I have nothing to offer anyone sexually and it makes me want to die.
I don’t even know why I’m posting here. I kind of want to talk to a sex therapist but again, I’m disabled so I have almost no money ever.
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