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Today I (F18) was laying in bed with my boyfriend (M18) and I saw that his discover page on instagram consisted of a lot of partially naked women with very curvy bodies and revealing clothing. I jokingly confronted him about it and he said it was normal. Still in good spirits, I messaged one of our friends who is also male and asked for a screenshot of his discover page. Zero naked women. I laughed and called my boyfriend a misogynist and he made a joke that was something like ‘I don’t care, they’re hot. Damn.’ I tapped on his search bar to expose his nasty searches but it was empty, and he told me he deletes his searches for this exact reason. He proceeded to click on one of the women’s profiles and scroll through her posts.
When he noticed that I was starting to get upset, he assured me that he barely uses Instagram and he would much rather talk to me or look at my nudes. I still felt hurt, though. I have had very long term body image issues and I’m extremely insecure about how I look, especially since I am very skinny and not curvy and sometimes I feel like I’m not his type physically. He knows that I’m insecure about my appearance, and always reassures me that I’m beautiful and he loves my body.
I asked him how he would feel if I had naked men in my recommended posts, and he replied that he would just acknowledge that I am a sexual person. I told him that I felt upset about this specifically because when you watch porn, you’re watching for the action, but when you look at Instagram models, you’re purely looking at their bodies. He was relatively understanding and sweet about it, but then he mentioned that he feels the same way about porn as he does about this. That comment really got me, because I’d just assumed that when he watches porn it’s more just sort of inspiration for a scenario, which is how I think of it. When I watch porn I’m ultimately imagining myself and my boyfriend having sex. But realising that even when he’s watching porn, it’s just to look at the woman’s body, really hurt actually.
I didn’t pursue the conversation any more, and he left my house soon after. I’ve been thinking about it so much and I feel like shit. Is this how most people think about porn? Although, he has recently said that he’s cut down almost completely on watching porn and even doesn’t masturbate as much because he’d rather just have sex with me. That decision was pretty much unprompted and I was really impressed, so I think that even if this mindset is problematic, he’s progressing past it. We generally have a beautiful relationship and I feel so genuinely prioritised and loved by him. Am I misunderstanding the conversation we had, or does it seem like a red flag? Should I bring it up? I kind of just want to ignore it and move on, but I do feel insecure and a bit hurt.
Tldr: My boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with looking at revealing pictures of other women and his view of porn is upsetting to me. Is it normal to watch porn for the actor’s bodies rather than the sexual scenario? Am I overreacting?
Edit: To clear things up, I was never opposed to him masturbating or watching porn. The way he was so openly attracted to someone else made me compare myself to her. I apologized to him for my grumpy behaviour and we made up. My insecurities are things I need to face myself instead of projecting them, and I am working on this.
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