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I am female and I am extremely repulsed by female genitalia, specifically any kind of direct contact stimulation down there. I cannot spread my lips down there or touch on the inner part of my labia area at all without crying or having a panic attack. I am able to insert tampons and clean myself but that’s the most I can handle. I cannot watch videos of females being touched down there or even pictures of the anatomy.
I have had penetrative sex many times in my life and I don’t have a *problem* with penis in vagina sex as long as I am not touched elsewhere, but sex is not something I ever really crave or had an urge to do. Every time I’ve had sex I would just be hoping for it to be over already, the entire time. The only reason I’ve ever had sex was because I felt obligated to and all I ever wanted was a relationship. I’ve come to think that I may be on the asexual spectrum.
When I have told people about my female genitalia repulsion and my inability to touch myself or let anyone touch me for sexual pleasure down there or watch anyone be touched down there, people tell me that it sounds like I have repressed trauma and need to go to a doctor. The thing is, I have never been sexually abused in my life. When I think about my genitals or other female’s genitals I have a knee jerk reaction and want to cry and puke. It reminds me of, like, surgery. It causes me great distress thinking about it. I also have what I call an “eyeball phobia”— I have panic attacks thinking about or watching people insert contacts or pulling on their eyelids. My phobia of female genitals reminds me exactly of this.
I am not disgusted by male genitals at all. Penises are aesthetically pleasing to me. I am also romantically attracted to all genders I think, and enjoy kissing and affectionate behaviors with people I like. I am just struggling to understand myself. I do have sexual fantasies (minus female genital stimulation) but I don’t have the desire to act on them. I enjoy fanfiction with sex and movies with sex.
I guess i just want to know if anyone relates to anything I’m saying. The only people I’ve heard of having even a semblance of idea of what I’m experiencing are trans folk who have gender dysphoria, which I cannot relate to. I dont have an issue being a woman. If I were born with a penis I think I would have preferred that and I’m not scared of penises, but I don’t feel like a man or want to/am able to get a sex change. Im confused what is wrong with me
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