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Incoming rant,
TLDR: I got married and overlooked our opposite libido’s and sexual desires, and I’m not sure if I can deal in the long term and start a family with this woman without being unhappy in the long term.
I 31M am married to my 29F wife. From the very beginning, I knew that she was not a sexual person, nor did she have any desires of her own, but I loved her and overlooked that part of it, and thought that it would be something ”silly” to get hung up on, and keep myself from marrying someone who was loving responsible and kind.
I realize now that it was an ignorant and foolish thing to disregard as I am a highly sexual person with a high libido and who likes different kinks and ways of having sex, and my wife is just a very vanilla person that doesn’t initiate and really has no thoughts or sexual desires of her own outside of maybe initiating it once every 1-2 months or so with the same few positions, and no changes or real effort on her part (me doing all the work in the bedroom).
I honestly feel like I am living in a third person view of my own life every day not to be dramatic, but I feel so disconnected from who I am as a person and the way in which I express love and feel loved and feel raw desire, we definitely still cuddle and have physical contact beyond sex, and that’s one thing that I am good about with her and that she requests, and that I always make sure to do for her. I feel like I’ve given up a part of my very soul to satiate her, and I’m not sure how to undo the damage or fix things within myself from feeling this way.
I can feel myself pulling away from really even wanting to have sex with her just because it feels so robotic and scripted.
I’ve talk to her about this and she’s made small attempts that last merely a week or two, and then things go back to normal. We’ve been talking about it for over a year with me even mentioning that maybe we need to get a divorce because we are just so different in this department, but nothing has really changed.
I should have known, when there were issues early on.
I should have known when on our wedding night, she could care less about sex.
I should’ve known on our week-long honeymoon that when we only had sex once, that was initiated by me, that our opposite libido’s were going to be a problem.
I should’ve known when she told me, I was “weird” for wanting to try new things and toys.
I should have known when she told me she’s “ just not like that”
I should have known when she never once in four years initiated and I explained my unhappiness with our intimate life and that I need reciprocation from her and not just duty sex.
I should have known when she looked at me and said that she was “ happy with our sex life, the way it is”
I should have known when she said that it was “my job” to initiate.
I feel immense, mounting pressure to start a family with her, from her. She so desperately wants children and a family, that it’s tied to her identity, and her self-worth and purpose, for living (her words), and I feel so indifferent about the issue. A lot of my indifference stems from the fact that I do not feel connected at a core level with her because for me, sex and sexual intimacy is such a bonding and soul joining experience, like When you truly have two people that can fulfill each other’s needs in that department and aren’t just placating, it’s intoxicating and fulfilling. I just feel like I don’t have that with her and I honestly don’t think I’ll ever have it because we are just two different people with two different views on sexuality.
There’s no trauma, there’s no cheating, and there’s no medication or even birth control. I wish that there were outside factors that could be an easy solution, I guess I just feel lost right now, and feel like a shitty human being for thinking and feeling the way I feel over sex.
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