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So we’ve only been together for over 2 years and a half but our relationship hasn’t been easy. We have had to take two short breaks from each other (we kind of consider them breakups since it wasn’t sure if we were going to get back together and we were both with different people during those periods of break). Anyway, after a lot of work and hardships we’ve managed to stay together and spend time living in the same apartment. We decided to take a backpacking kind of a trip starting from Denmark to Turkey to Georgia and currently in Egypt, thinking this would be good for the two of us to create new memories together in new places away. Since he’s extremely well traveled (he’s been doing backpacking traveling for years even way long before we met) he considers traveling his expertise and something he is used to, whereas for me I still struggle with keeping up with the pace. The thing is, up until the end of our month exploring Turkey I had been feeling sexually rejected by him and it took me a few days to realize that he wasn’t even trying to touch me at all. I love cuddling with him so I take every opportunity to cuddle and get some form of physical intimacy, part of why I do this is because I think there might be an opportunity to have sex, but lately I’ve only being let down by my own expectations. When we stay at hostels I obviously don’t try anything since we’re not in a private room, but we’ve only stayed at hostels twice, total amount of 5 nights out of almost a month and a half of travel. This became a very frustrating situation for my mental state and anxiety and I have tried to communicate it to him twice. First time we were in the privacy of our Airbnb, I was washing up the dishes we had just used for dinner when I noticed he had not come out of the bathroom in a while, I went over to check on him outside the closed door and before I knocked I heard sounds of what I think everyone reading this might already imagine, followed by him taking pieces of toilet paper multiple times and then a flushing sound… he immediately came out of the bathroom in his underwear with a bit of a hard-on still and that’s how I immediately suspected. It’s humiliating to say this but I felt like I needed to check the bathroom in order to prove I was maybe imagining these things. Turns out I was not wrong. He did not do a very good job cleaning up the scene. I felt hurt. I went outside and in a very calmly state that I managed to get even though I was extremely upset I asked him directly “were you masturbating just now?”. I admit I did not word my question very well because he exploded in anger within seconds and accused me of listening him through the bathroom door. I won’t forget his words when he said “what I do or not do in the bathroom is none of your fucking business, whatever I do in the bathroom is none. of your fucking. business.” After a huge fight and being gaslighted for asking a question I felt it was easy to answer he ultimately said he had not masturbated that night. He then confessed to me the reason he wouldn’t go near my body was because he felt “grossed out by the fact I had slept with someone else after he had broken up with me and it was traumatic for him thinking of my body near another guy”. (Spoiler alert: he was also with a girl and actively using dating apps during a trip he took to Thailand) but there’s no getting around talking about it because he’d defend it by saying we had broken up during that time…..
Fast forward, we are in a different city and lack of sex is pretty clear and it’s becoming annoying at this point. I’ve caught him masturbating behind my back again. This time I was even more paranoid because we had just came back from a long walk around the city we were at and we had been playing around with the idea of having sex when we returned to our private room. As soon as we arrived he said “I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ve been wanting to poop for hours really bad”. I found it very suspicious since he’d always say whenever he’s in a bathroom emergency. Anyway, he rushes in and I don’t do anything but wait for him on my phone in the living room. And then again, nothing. Silence. And later on, a flush. After more failed attempts to have sex by making out and cuddling we go to sleep and I feel something’s wrong. Now I feel rejected, humiliated and anxious. This makes me go through his phone for the first time and I feel terrible. I did not know exactly what I was looking for but it wasn’t that hard to find. I found a few tabs open of p*rn and with two main categories: Spanish girls and Thai p*rn”.
Now this breaks my heart and makes me shiver. Reasons why are simple: 1) He confessed to me he had cheated on me with a 38yr old woman from Spain during one of his solo trips backpacking in Spain over a year ago (I was finishing up college then) and for that I’ve been trying to forgive him since he’s been trying to get the trust back into the relationship and trying to prove he does love me. 2) During our 2nd relationship break he met a Thai girl on tinder and travelled together in Thailand for about 3 weeks only later on for him deciding he wanted to be back home and try to get back with me.
I just don’t know if I’m too needy sexually wise or it’s simply because he does not like/love me anymore and he’d rather jerk off to girls whose countries and races he’s been involved with.
I am investing my very best every day for this to work but the constant rejection and his hard words of “being grossed out” are putting me a little too much on the edge of breaking down in every moment of solitude during our trip. Nevertheless, he’s shown other types of love too that it wouldn’t be fair not to mention, ie words of affirmation like I love yous, quality time such as traveling together, planning the day out for us, figuring out routes and budget for our backpacking trip, taking care of our safety and physical health, etc”.
Finally, he’s done it again last night. Again after trying to seduce him with kisses and caresses he goes to sleep anyway, and though he sweetly kisses me on the cheek and cuddles me for hours and does not lies a hand on my body. Then I was awaken by him going to the bathroom. I am unable to go back to sleep and wait for him to come back and when he does I lose control of boundaries and immediately look into his phone’s browsing history. And there it is again: P*rn. Spanish girls…
Before this I didn’t have any problem with him masturbating once in a while. But sneaking behind my back and doing that while I’m in the next room during our trip abroad and sex department being almost non existent… also those videos I find are related to traumatic events for our relationship. It’s just starting to be too much for me.
He’s told me to be patient and trust that it will eventually come again (his sex drive) but I just don’t like how he’s sneaking around and lying to me when it’s pretty clear what’s going on…
Please, I’d like someone to advise me on how to take it from here… we’re still in the middle of our trip in Egypt.
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