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I would like to emphasize that he is a great partner and we have generally a good relationship. We say ‘I love yous’ often, cuddle a lot, and and are sweet to each other (lots of quality time, words of affirmations, touch, acts of service, etc.). We moved in after 3 years of dating, and we share finances and chores around the house. Of course, we have our occasional disagreements, but we talk it out without raised voices and resolve the dispute with deeper understanding of each other.
Despite it all, one problem in our relationship has persisted and have bothered me this whole time, and that is the difference in our sex drive and perhaps difference in degrees of attraction to each other.
I feel as though we only (and always) have sex when my boyfriend is in the mood, and rarely when I initiate. He can get me in the mood so easily when he’s interested, but not the other way around. It makes me feel cheap when this happens, and despite wanting to reject his advances time to time to avoid feeling this way, but when the moment comes he turns me on so easily, and I don’t want to waste the opportunity when I know that it may be another month before he’s interested again.
My skin is so sensitive to his touch, and he could kiss me on my shoulder, or the neck, or my back, and I’m instantly in the mood. However, the only spot he says he is sensitive on is his nether regions, which makes it hard for me to seduce him when kisses down his back and stroking his tigh does nothing for him, and at the most tickles him. I don’t want to be crude and just go straight for his penis, which I have tried and doesn’t really turn him on either. It seems almost impossible for me to seduce him.
It’s also not just his touches, and this is gonna be vomit inducing, but I find my boyfriend incredibly attractive. Everytime I see him after a long day, I cannot believe how cute he is. He tells me I’m pretty from time to time, but he doesn’t innundate me with compliments like I do him. It’s totally fine, but I wonder if I’m also just simply more attracted to him than he is to me.
A little more background: he is a pretty average male, and he doesn’t watch porn and says he does jerk off sometimes when he’s alone.
We have actually talked about this few times in the course of our relationship when I was feeling low and very affected by this problem. He listened and validated my feelings, but it’s not like he can really change how he feels, so despite him saying that he will make an effort, nothing has really changed. I understand his point of view, and maybe I’m selfish for feeling so unattractive and cheap because of this, but I just can’t shake this feeling.
The awful potential solutions that I came up with is
a) no more sex is our relationship, so there’s no expectation or hope from my side, and there’s no feeling of being ‘easy and cheap’ when he initiates
b) open relationship. Feel like this would probably destroy our relationship, and we’d both be jealous, but I’m starting to hate myself and something needs to change
Tl;dr: My boyfriend and I have been happily together for five years now, but the difference in our sex drive has really affected my self confidence and left me feeling bitter from time to time. Any tips/suggestions/comments will be greatly appreciated
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