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I (22F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been together for a little over a year. I’ve always kind of struggled to connect with people romantically, and he’s my first long term relationship, and I honestly can’t see myself with anyone else. We’re both ridiculous, have similar interests and cultures, I adore his family, and he makes me laugh every day. He’s so kind and considerate, and we have pretty great sex 🙂 However, he’s really vanilla and I am really, well, not. There are so many things that I want to try, and I’ve always felt comfortable expressing them to him, but every time I get the same non-committal response. And here’s the thing, i feel like the things I’m asking for are kind of small beans. Like dirty talk, a little light degradation every now and then, sensation play, ice, or maybe some light sensory deprivation with blindfolds. I fully understand that a lot of this is foreign material for him, and much of what I’m interested in is way too extreme for him right now, which is why everything I’ve suggested so far has been pretty tame, trying to ease into spicing things up like he himself has seemed enthusiastic about. But when we get down to it, he just wants to have sex. There’s so little eroticism or foreplay, and while I enjoy the sex, I’m so fucking bored. It’s gotten to the point where hearing him say “I love you” during sex is a turn off. And it’s not that I don’t love him, or that I don’t like hearing him say that he loves me. I just don’t associate sex with romance in the same way that he does, and the lack of variety and the constant fact that I’m not exploring any of my fantasies with the person I love is so disappointing. He says that he’ll never be comfortable saying things even remotely degrading (“Slut”, “whore,” “you like that don’t you,” etc.), and I just feel so conflicted. How do we move forward? I absolutely don’t want to break up, but when I think about spending the rest of my life sexually unsatisfied or never trying different things, I feel like I’m suffocating. I know that we’re both young and there’s still so much room to grow, and I’m definitely willing to be patient with him, but I just feel stuck atm. I’m thinking of inviting him to a kink exploration class because it might let him visualize what I’m sort of asking for. He’s a super visual learner, so if it’s like a mental block or a fear of the unknown, maybe it could help? Like worst he could say is no, right? Have any of you been in a similar situation? How do you navigate sexual incompatibility when you love your person? Is there any hope that our sex life can become more sustainable? looking for genuine advice 😵
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