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We’ve been together for 8,5 years (4 years as a married couple) and were both quite unexperienced when we’ve met – me more than her, as she’s had a BF for some time beforehand. That relationship was rocky and occasionally abusive (from both sides to a degree), from what I’ve understood. She’s also been assaulted once from someone else. This led to her not being to enjoy sex as much since she’s built a mental wall. I was made aware of it early in the relationship, so I tried to take things slow. Our sex life wasn’t 100% perfect, but I always considered it quite good and did my best to improve it (and myself). Was also convinced, that it’s getting better for her, as she seemed to be more relaxed, more open and been able to orgasm much more. It started degrading slightly some years back, as I got recurring cases of ED. I don’t know what caused it the first time, but due to her bad reaction it eventually happened again some months later and then always in shorter intervals, until my self-esteem in that area started to take a toll. Which led to me initiating sex less and being less confident in fear of it happening. This made her dissatisfied, which I can understand, so I tried to get better again.
A year ago, she met a guy at a company event and invited him over to our flat when I was out of town. She told me about it when I was already gone, or shortly before leaving. They talked for hours, and he called the day after and then the day after that. They were in (almost) daily contact since then (calling, texting, meeting up for walks once a week). I never had an issue with her going for a walk with a colleague or something, but this “smelled” odd from the start for me and I was gradually getting uncomfortable. She was texting him when laying in bed in the evening (even at night), calling him always behind closed doors and stuff like that. I found it suspicious since she’s never behaved like this before.
I confronted her and she always denied my suspicions, called me jealous and possessive, and threatened that we will have a lot of stress if I don’t leave it. My mental health started degrading and I started to fall into a depression and anxiety. This led to more complaints and blaming from her side – for instance that my energy is so negative. She than started to justify her seeing him and texting him all the time, as that she needs to get some breath of normality, because with me at home it’s such a depressive, suffocating atmosphere. I felt the distance between us growing and was sinking deeper into the despair, we had less sex as a result and that’s when she asked, if I’d be ok with her getting “it” somewhere else. I asked like where and she named him. I broke down after that and had to seek psychological help some weeks later. I was then on antidepressants for a couple of months which didn’t help anyways. She complained about our lack of sex and intimacy and was getting ever more frustrated. Eventually she discussed it with him whether he would be open to having sex with her. He (surprisingly) would, even though he’s in a relationship. I was still in deep depression and she figured that it might have something to do with her behaviour. She apologized by saying, that she might have underestimated how bad my jealousy was.
She badgered me anyways for months, until I eventually gave in at the end of July after reading about it and somehow convincing myself, that it can’t be that bad. For the next 2-3 months we were open. But she didn’t do anything, as they were not meeting up more than twice during that period, also because we’ve spent 3 weeks on vacation. At the beginning of October, she got all excited, that they are going to meet and that it finally could happen. She got herself all pretty and shaved. I was dying on the inside that day. Told her, that she doesn’t need to do this, but she left anyways. I was seriously considering suicide as many times in the past year, but a call from a friend “saved” me. When she got back, she said nothing happened and wanted sex in the evening. I was so devastated after that afternoon, that I couldn’t perform, which made her mad. Some days later I told her, that I can’t do it and want to be closed again, because I could kill myself over it. She was upset and unhappy, that I want to close the marriage without us properly trying it out. And keeps repeating that she doesn’t want me to suffer or that I sacrifice myself by opening up the relationship, but she doesn’t want to suffer either. For me it would feel like sacrifice, since I have no desire for other women as long as I’m in a committed relationship. And I also find it disgusting and hurtful for her to be with others. But I’m still considering it and asking myself, whether I’m actually being selfish here and really that bad in bed. That’s why I’m in this mental mess in the first place. Open relationship in this form feels like glorified cheating, where she can keep her conscience in peace, since I’d “agree” to it. I guess it can work, if everyone is 100% on board, but not like this, but she doesn’t want to hear it and can’t seem to understand, why I don’t want it. She tells me, that it’s just my ego in the way, that she wants to help me get rid of my jealousy and that I just don’t want her to get personal development. That’s because her reasoning is besides her being dissatisfied also the fact, that she doesn’t know, what she wants, and what she likes in bed. That she needs to find herself in this area, which she hasn’t done some 10 years ago (also because of that assault back then) as everybody else. And I would apparently also get something from it, as I could gather experiences with others, gain confidence again and have her more satisfied on my side. I’m not sure, but she keeps asking and pressuring me into. These days even more, even though I’m giving my best to improve our intimate life. Was anyone in a similar situation? Do you know any stories and their outcomes? I really don’t know what to do, as I don’t want to lose her (we are building a house together), don’t want her to be unhappy and dissatisfied, but I also feel like I can’t do this open marriage thing.
TLDR: Wife is not satisfied with our sex life and also wants to explore her sexuality, as she didn’t do it in her early 20s. She’s already got a guy lined up and is trying to convince me for months. I’m really afraid and not sure about this, as I have no desire for other people. But she says we need to change something, because we are currently both unhappy. I’d do almost anything else, rather than opening the marriage up. Any similar experience or stories?
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