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I’m a 27 year old woman. In the grand scheme of things I’m very sexually inexperienced. I had a boyfriend when I was 17 who could make me cum from letting me grind against him but that was the extent of what we did. Throughout college I felt pressure to finally have sex, and I let one partner have sex with me, but it wasn’t pleasurable and hurt a lot. Every other person I tried to have sex with I couldn’t get past the pain and we wouldn’t do it. Most of the time this was during short relationships (1-2 months) in college. I’ve since learned I simply wasn’t aroused enough to get wet. My first serious relationship lasted a year but was largely sexless outside of the first four months. While I didn’t cum without a vibrator during this time, it was the first time I felt sexy or able to have sex in the first place. Unfortunately he started to have libido problems due to alcoholism and lexapro and the last six months of our relationship were sexless.
I am now in a very loving relationship with a man I am very attracted to and feel quite safe with. We have been together for 8 months. We are in a long distance relationship but have spent large chunks of time together. I really enjoy the intimacy of our sex, and get aroused. However, I still experience problems. A lot of the time my arousal is fleeting or hard to maintain. Sometimes having my clit rubbed feels amazing, but a lot of the time it just feels grating. I have not been able to figure out what results in either sensation. I have OCD and get intrusive thoughts all the time, sex not excluded, which makes the sex hard to stay present during. I also have a problem with the discrepancy between what I think about while masturbating and what happens during sex. Many of the short lived relationships in high school or college were with young guys obviously who were quite open about how I didn’t match their ideals. When I finally began to masturbate when I was 19, I would only think about feeling like the women my boyfriends had described to me, and with the intensity and longing with which they described these women, most of whom weren’t unattainable celebrities or models but normal women who simply looked different from me. I am for the most part conventionally attractive. I have long blonde hair, big boobs, a generically pretty face, and only one partner I’ve ever had has told me they actively like those things about me. I long to be degraded in the way my former boyfriends have degraded other women who look nothing like me. When I have sex I try to envision how much my boyfriend wants me, but a lot of how he shows that doesn’t line up with what I’ve conditioned myself to get off to. Mostly, what I envision is being openly and intensely wanted and grabbed, and having my body described graphically and longingly. Our sex is very loving, and I know he is attracted to me and wants me, but it simply is not as easy for me to feel wanted as what I think about when I masturbate. I’ve tried to stop using a vibrator so I can get off more easily to other touches, and that’s helped, but not fully. When I do finally cum, whether with my vibrator or lately with my fingers, I can only begin to enjoy the touches I receive when I’m close. Then I finally snap into craving the presence of this person I love so much and am so attracted to, and I am set free form the crutch of my thoughts. I want my mind to go back to what it was before I used a vibrator and before I began to poison my thoughts and fantasies with feelings of inadequacy. I know the OCD and my constant, reflexive self sabotage and lingering thoughts also hurt greatly. I’m also trying to remember that sex is still nice without cumming, and that I do in fact cherish how intimate, loving, and erotic our sex is. I’d appreciate any advice and thanks for reading.
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