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First of all, I feel very bad about visiting a prostitute.
I made myself believe, that it is just a service, but after the experience and reading an article about what prostitution can make to a womans mental health, even though it was “consensual”, I feel like I used another human to fulfill my sexual desire and am really ashamed and feel like I raped someone.
I visited her while visiting Barcelona and before going to the brothel, I probably smoked like a gram of weed to get over the nervousness.
I was 32 years old, before this I didn’t have sex for atleast 10 years.
I have bipolar disorder with depression being the more invasive component of it, over hypermania. I am good looking but have huge social anxiety and as I’ve not dated for a very long time, it felt impossible to get into a healthy relationship.
I’m not trying to use this as an excuse, but just explaining, what issues I have in my life.
I don’t remember much of the meet and right after climaxing, I felt extreme shame about what I just did.
Now, even though I know, what I did was disgusting and taking advantage of someone, who probably needs the money to live, I’m still looking at prostitute sites and thinking about visiting another one.
I feel like something completely changed inside me and it was not for good.
I’m visiting the sites, watching the pictures of the women, masturbating and thinking about visiting someone while trying to block it out and stoping myself from doing it.
I still smoke weed, I get really compulsive while being high. I know it’s a problem and I should quit.
I also know, I should be looking for a healthy relationship, but how can I get back to being a “normal” person and have a healthy relationship after knowing, what I did… I have no idea.
I’m just getting this off my chest here and maybe someone can suggest, what should I do, to get out of this circle.
I am normally very compasionate and feel like a partnership with a woman should be equal, but after what I’ve done and how I’m still addicted to the idea, of visiting someone to fulfill my urges, I feel like trash…
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