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So I’m a 38M from the UK and I’ve been with the same woman for almost twenty years now.
In the beginning, the sex was exciting, new, and experimental. Now, it barely exists.
I am not blind to the trials of life. It takes it’s toll but so does the lack of intimacy and the constant reasons as to why intimacy beyond a kiss goodbye in the morning is just not on the cards.
As communication is key in things, this has been brought up many times and again recently. However, it’s just a series of excuses that promise change but never materialise.
I was told that the idea of sex is great but the actual physical act is off putting. I asked if it was because it was bad and she reassured me it wasn’t that. (I mean, we have had terrible sex before, but I think everyone does eventually).
Eventually, she tells me that she does find me attractive, she does get horny but doesn’t feel the urge to act on it. She also commented that sometimes, she just wants a quick one when the mood peaks randomly but due to my size, that isn’t always possible unless she is really aroused, which unfortunately she doesn’t get unless we are actually in the act of extensive foreplay. The potential soreness afterwards is also off-putting she said so all this combines into a “I’m not going to bother as I have other stuff to do.”
The conversation ended with her saying that once a month or so goes by with no intimacy or sex, she starts to feel guilty and frustrated. Neither of those emotions lead her down the road of sexual excitement so it just becomes more and more difficult. If I happen to make a off-hand comment about our lack of sex, even in a light-hearted fashion, it stings and worsens the guilt. A vicious cycle ensues.
So, with me doing the majority of the housework, cooking, childcare for our 3 year old, house maintenance and focusing on hitting all five love languages, I am not sure what more I can do. I try to make sure that she has her “me time” and is able to relax from the stresses of life and work, etc.
To be clear, don’t expect sex. I don’t want it out of a sense of duty, I want her to want to have that pleasurable experience with me but it seems that the desire just isn’t there.
Which then causes the fantastic mind game of thinking that I am actually terrible in bed, unattractive and only good as a clean and tidy baby sitter.
So what to do?
Communication has provided the cause but not the solution. I want to fuck like crazy but the other person is extremely not interested.
Is this the normal sex life after twenty years?
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