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\*This is a bit long, but I’d truly appreciate the read-thru.
To give a bit of background, I grew up in a Christian household and went to a private religious school up until 10th grade. We were taught to save ourselves for marriage as well as given very little information regarding reproductive health or sex education.
Even though I accessed porn as a teenager, and was unknowingly masturbating at the age of 9, I wasn’t able to experience a complete understanding of my own sexual arousal until 21. I believe this was mostly due to how sheltered I had been, lack of awareness, as well as personal desire. I remained a virgin until 23 (earlier this year).
When I was 21, a trusted male friend of mine whom I knew for many years through a church camp started only calling me to discuss sex. He would talk about his sexual encounters in extreme detail. For example, the techniques of a girl who gave him head or how backshots felt with a different girl. I never was attracted to him, but it was taking our friendship in a direction I didn’t like. He began asking for pics, which I expressed I was uncomfortable with. I soon ended the friendship due to his persistence even after telling him I was not interested in fwb. This was tough since I did a lot for him over the years. We no longer speak.
When I was 22, I met a guy off of a dating app that I quickly took a romantic liking to. We got along well at first, but he quickly took things in a sexual direction – just like my close guy friend. At first it was just texting dirty to me when he was drunk, which eventually turned into him asking for nudes. I was uncomfortable with this since I had never sexted in my life. He claimed I was playing games, and, since I had feelings for him, I ditched my self-respect and gave him what he asked for. Looking back, I could’ve been the bigger person and walked away, but I hadn’t had feelings for someone in awhile and due to my anxious attachment tendencies, had a hard time pulling away. To keep a long story short, our fwb relationship, which was mainly over the phone, lasted a year. He became more toxic over the months: lying about getting tested before seeing me, telling me about his other sexual encounters in detail knowing it hurt me since I liked him, and constantly lying about his sexual partners for seemingly no reason at all. He also had a strange take on virginity, claiming that he was waiting for marriage since he had never had had penetrative sex but engaged in oral with multiple women over the years. We saw each other only a handful times, and there were instances I told him I was not comfortable doing things that he ended up doing any way. Not sure if it was sexual assault, but it was close enough. I did not lose my virginity to him even though I wanted to. Instead, he ultimately lost his to another girl a week and a half after seeing me. I took it really personally and it was really painful to hear him narrate the whole thing to me. He then ghosted me randomly on last August. It took me a long time to heal from this, and would often drink heavily on my own to cope.
When I was 23 – back in January of this year – I was feeling slightly better about the previous situation and was able to meet my now ex-boyfriend. I never had been in a relationship before, so there were a lot of new experiences. Early on in our relationship my ex came across slightly too intense with relationship actions. Not lovebombing per-say, but it was close enough. He had just come out of a toxic relationship a few months prior, and I knew he was likely still processing some it. Just like the other two men mentioned, he began sharing explicit details about his sexual past. Oftentimes I did not ask him, it just came into conversation even though it made me uncomfortable. These including many nasty details about sex with his ex, or his many sexual partners throughout college. How many times he fucked one girl in a week, how one time this girl gave him the best head of his life, or how he lost his virginity to a girl with a boyfriend. I found out he had a sex list, and, when I lost my virginity to him after finally feeling comfy enough to do so, saw him open his phone in front of me a week later with my name at number 26.
We had only been dating for a month when he broke our relationship off, claiming I changed. I felt like it was too early to tell, but I couldn’t force him to see differently, so I let him be. We started talking and seeing each other again, and a month later he made it official with me again. The problem with this is that I genuinely loved the dude, but I had developed anxiety from all the sexual details he previously shared. It wasn’t that I couldn’t relate, it was that it made me feel like shit. What kind of girlfriend wants to hear those things from a guy who claims he cares about her?
Because of my past with other men hurting me repeatedly in the same way, I was very clear with my ex about how what he did hurt me. Maybe almost too clear, because I had spent so much time healing from the past that I refused to be hurt again in the same way. We had many conversations about it. Because he realized this bothered me so much, he stopped bringing up his sexual past, removed a lot of women from his phone, and deleted his sex list. However, he was constantly questioning our relationship due to my worry. He would tell me he wasn’t sure about us every week, leading to even higher anxiety on my end because I did not want to wake up guessing if today was the day he would leave me again. We began arguing more in July, and that seemed like the beginning of the end. Although he treated me much better than the other men in my past, he ended things with me last month.
I left out a lot of detail for the sake of readability, but ultimately I am asking why I am somehow attracting men who enjoy thoroughly explaining their sexual lives. Maybe it’s my low sexual inexperience that they see as a means to explain. Maybe they are all insecure and overcompensate by sharing explicit details as a way of feeling better about themselves. Who knows. Sure, sex is fun; but for me, it is certainly not easy to talk about. The pressure throughout college to join hookup culture, my religious background, as well as my experience with all three men has damaged me more than I can explain in a Reddit post. Since the first male friendship I had went sour, I have had intrusive and unrelenting thoughts involving men I’ve deeply cared about having sex with other people. I’m sure some people have a passing thought like mine on occasion, but I don’t think the frequency in which I experience these thoughts is normal at all. It’s like a personal form of retroactive jealousy that my brain enjoys torturing me with 24/7. It honestly has ruined my life in a lot of ways. I’m not sure if this is a form of OCD, but I would appreciate any and all advice.
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