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Hi all! Long post and first time poster here, so bear with me. This issue has come up in my relationship with my husband SO many times in the 10 years we’ve been together, so I’m trying out every resource I’ve got to deal with/fix it.
Background: I (30F) have been with my husband (37M) for 10 years, together we have two kids (7M, 4F). He’s self employed as an artist and after having worked the past 8 years in research, I’m currently a full time student doing my Masters.
My libido has always been lower than his, and this has caused various problems throughout our relationship. I’m often exhausted at the end of the day from running to daycare and school, going to work/classes, taking care of the home, and totally touched out from having two young children with no concept of personal space. I’ll often fall asleep at some point on the couch after putting the kids to bed, which often leads to no sex. To summarize my husband’s gripes:
– not enough sex (“you can assume I want it every day!”), sexless periods (ex. post-partum, while breastfeeding)
– not feeling wanted by me
– quality of sex/feeling like I treat it as a chore
– type of sex (not enough oral, anal is a big love of his, not spontaneous enough, etc.)
To try and remedy this I:
– stopped my SSRI (prescribed for depression before we met, stopped pretty early in the relationship, and yes, I know this was probably a stupid decision without consulting my doctor)
– went off of birth control
– receive regular Botox injections in my jaw muscles to treat my TMJ and make giving oral somewhat tolerable and not downright painful
– try to time taking my ADHD meds so that I’ve still got energy at the end of the day
– try to take daily time for myself away from the kids
– bought toys, lingerie, etc for myself
– try to ask for feedback, check in with him about wants and needs
– doing my own “research” (countless articles on how to make anal less painful/more enjoyable, blowjob techniques…)
At this point I’m so frustrated. I love him and I DO enjoy sex with him. I also understand his frustrations. I put in effort to better things. But it seems like it’s never acknowledged and never good enough. It’s extremely hard to try to get in the mood on days when the 4 year old doesn’t fall asleep until 10 and until then wants to be held by me, I’ve got exams and school stuff to prep for, doctors appointments to make, general chaos in my head. And then I’m being berated for not giving him enough anal, not being able to complete a blowjob from start to finish. I already feel so thinly spread out, and the idea of then trying to satisfy him sexually, when many of his preferred acts are physically painful for me, is absolutely draining. I’ve communicated this many times – we have two small kids and busy lives, 2 or 3 days without sex isn’t the end of the world – and his answer is always “figure it out. I will never cheat on you, but I need sex, and if I can’t get it from my wife, this is pointless.” For example, I would love to give him more anal – we use toys and silicone-based lube, go slowly, try different angles/positions, but it’s very uncomfortable at best, downright painful at worst. He’s frustrated, I feel embarrassed, hurt, vulnerable, not good enough. I don’t want to just grit and bear it, I don’t deserve that.
We both don’t want to throw away the relationship over sex, but it feels like we’ve been in an uncomfortable deadlock for a while now and we both don’t want it to stay like this (I would love more sex! And less jaw pain. 😂) any and all advice is appreciated!
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