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I feel so confused tbh – like, my domme is amazing. Gentle domme, punishments are usually minor and brief, she calls me her puppy or her girl and it just makes me so happy. She’s a master of cuddling in that way that says “I own you and you’re safe.” She respects safe words. She’s wonderful.
But it can still be so scary. I Can sense myself fighting it sometimes even when she’s rewarding me and *especially* when I really want it – to give in, to submit, to be used and played with, but I can’t stop some little piece of me from fighting even if it means more hurt in the long run.
Tonight was out anniversary and we have the most amazing intimate scene to celebrate – I was blindfolded, cuffed, spanked, face fucked, and railed so perfectly I was in total bliss, and when it came time for the fireworks I lost it 3 times because I was scared. She was patient and we used a vibrator and all 5 fingers up to the last knuckle to get me over the edge and I just bawled for like 30 minutes. She held me, comforted me, cleaned me up, and gave me what I needed to cool down. She’s asleep next to me rn and everything. I couldn’t ask for a better domme.
So why oh why oh why is it so goddamn hard to submit? This isn’t even bratting in a traditional sense, it feels like it’s me bratting myself more than anything. I wanted to give her everything tonight and I feel almost mad at myself for having to work so hard to do it when it could have been easier and more satisfying for both of us if I could just relax and submit and let the orgasms happen.
I know it sounds like I don’t actually like BDSM but I do – I LOVE it. I’m the one who brought it up first, I’m the one who gets off just from the way she talks to me in domme voice, and above all I just want to submit to her so bad. Has anyone ever experienced something similar? I just feel sad and frustrated that I’m struggling with this after being together so long.
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